Fifty Shades Darker

fifty-shades

I know what you’re thinking: If you must wait this long for an updated review it had better be a good one! Well I’m back and just in time to tell you that no…no it’s not going to be a good review. Do you remember 2015’s release Fifty Shades of Grey? Do you want to? Well tough cookies because today with my comeback review I give you the sequel, Fifty Shades Darker.

Returning to screen is Dakota Johnson (How to be Single, Black Mass, Goats) playing boring shy girl Anastasia Steel and sexy millionaire whose also a little boring Christian Grey played by Jamie Dornan (The 9th Life of Louis Drax, Flying Home, X Return). Now remember the first movie ended rather abruptly with the stinging breakup of Chris and Ana. In this sequel Chris shows up out of nowhere, of course, to beg Ana for another try. She agrees with one exception: No more rules. As in the contract that pretty made up the story for the first film is completely thrown out. Desperate as usual Chris accepts the terms.

Actually Ana did have more demands such as, this time we take things slow, and this time no more dark side stuff and no more secrets. But I disregard her other demands because she did too. Like ten minutes after she made them. As a matter of fact there was so much contradicting in the dialogue the movie eventually becomes flat-out confusing. ‘Let’s take it slow/Lets’ have hot sex suddenly, You have to be more open with me/You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, No more kinky sex toys/Hey is this a kinky sex toy? Can we use it?’ The story goes into their trials of becoming a more real couple…I think. Honestly there was a lot of hardcore sex scenes and it was distracting so I’m not exactly sure what was going on. What I am sure of is there was definitely more sex than the first movie. And there was a thing with an ex-flame of Chris’s, Leila played by Bella Heathcote (Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, Not Fade Away, The Neon Demon) who stalks Ana and tries to kill her out of jealousy. There’s also Ana’s sex starved boss, Jack Hyde played by Eric Johnson (Everest *Series, Honeymoon with Mom, The Work and the Glory) who wants the goodies and Chris get’s in a helicopter crash as well. Each problem get’s solved relatively easily with a snap of Chris’s powerful millionaire fingers so there’s no reason to go into them further. It was like these were just little plotholes to fill in for all the mindless hot kinky sex we were getting without which we all might as well had rented a porno for the night. 

I have to say I liked the first movie better. I feel like there was more emotion in it between the two main characters. I know with the first film I stated that underneath all the sex there was some romance. I did not feel that here at all. It was just a lot of mindless sex. Which is all fine and dandy especially with Valentines Day here but again: Porno’s are cheaper. I imagine. Cause I don’t rent porn. I don’t.

Rated R for obvious reason’s but I’ll still name them, Strong erotic sexual intent, graphic nudity, and language.

Rotten Tomatoes has this sexy sequel at a 9% rotten. Eww…that’s super rotten. Also way below the score off the first film, Fifty Shades of Grey which stood at a 26% rotten upon its release. Not that much better but still…it was better.

Fantastic date night movie which is the only thing this movie has got going for it. But honestly…there’s just so much out there that’s just better. Even for date night. I really have to say skip this. Do yourself the favor, ignore the frustration and confusion of this film and go to something else much better. But if you can’t heed my warning and feel this is something you must see then at the very least do not bring your kids along for the ride! I kid you not, the row behind us there were little kids! Like…Seriously!?