Bloodsucking Bastards


So this week we have the release of Bloodsucking Bastards a horror comedy that Shaun of the Dead fans might adore(…or maybe not!) Except with pothead’s fighting Zombies we have a mix of The Office battling Vampires!

We have Fran Kranz (Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules, The Cabin in the Woods, Before I Disappear) playing Evan a likable guy who works for a sales company. Even though he’s surrounded by co-workers who’d rather, search for porn, play video games or nap in their cubicles he continues on as the top sales employee who is just oh so close to that brand new promotion! But when the company President Ted, played by Joel Murray (Mad Men *Series, 7 Minutes, God Bless America) announces Evan’s promotion as Sales Manager to his rival Max played by Pedro Pascal (Sweet Little Lies, Game of Thrones *Series, The Adjustment Bureau) all hell breaks loose! Literally! One by one everyone goes missing only to return as model employees, though much paler and bodies begin popping up in the office. Evan know’s something is up, but no one seems to want to believe him save for his college best friend, major slacker and co-worker Tim; Joey Kern (My Funny Valentine, Complacent, Asthma) and the weirdo security guard Frank; Marshall Givens (Catherine *Series, CollegeHumor Originals *Series). So it’s up to the unlikely trio to save Evans ex-girlfriend Amanda played by Emma Fitzpatrick (In Time, The Social Network, Before We Go) before Max can change her to become his un-dead bride…and head of HR.

Uhg, just re-reading my summary of the movie makes me think once again, Shaun of the Dead: The Vampire Version. It’s what I first thought when I saw the trailer and what I was seriously looking forward to but alas it just wasn’t meant to be. Though office jokes fly and we get plenty of the clichéd dumb slacker employees to amuse us throughout the film it just doesn’t hit quite hit home. Granted there were a few chuckles here and there, but for the most part I found myself cringing at just how un-funny it was. Like someone is trying to tell a funny joke, and he’s not doing so good and even though he’s sinking with his stupid, unfunny joke he still continues to try to tell the joke in the hopes that it will at some part become funny. Where as I can rattle off a few choice scenes from Shaun of the Dead that can still make me laugh to this day! There was nothing even remotely memorable in this film.

I will say this: The movie never slows its pace. I was never bored I wanted to know what Evan and his friends were going to do to stop Max and hopefully save some of the co-workers. And towards the end the battle between the office Vamps and Evan and his team was pretty cool.

As of right now Bloodsucking Bastards is listed as Unrated however there’s lots of swearing, implied sex scenes and blood galore! So don’t take the little ones, even the mildly big ones should wait this one out.

Right now Rotten Tomatoes has this horror comedy at a 53% fresh…? Fresh, yes I believe that’s right. Anything above 50 is good. So…you know…it ain’t all bad.

Anyway, I think I’m one of those people who will stand there and continue to listen to that guy with his stupid, unfunny joke till the bitter end because even though he’s sinking and I know it I hold on with hopes that the joke will eventually be funny! That eventually there will be a genuine laugh! That’s what I did for Bloodsucking Bastards. I waited till the bitter end for this movie to make me really laugh. Too bad the joke was on me. Good for a redbox watch but don’t waste your time at the theaters.